Friday, October 14, 2011

Another Guilty Heart

A couple of days ago I came across a post called "Guilty Heart" from Beth at Through the Eyes of the Mrs. Since it really spoke to me, I thought I'd share it....

So my kids are pretty much amazing.
I've always known this but am not always there.
Sitting in the same room doesn't count.
Actually playing does.
At bedtime after I read & sing my heart is heavy.
I ask myself if I gave it my all today?
Could I have loved them more today?
Did I miss out on something today?
The answer is clear & simple.
I need to be more present.
I need to watch & listen more.
I need to play & hold on longer.
Life has taken a hold of me.
I'm busier then ever & it shows.
I'm sad & I miss these small moments.
These moments that I may see & hear.
I'm not really there.
I'm thinking about a to do list & tomorrow.
I need to think about today.
I need to hold on to these moments.
These moments that pass so fast. 

I know exactly how she feels! I am constantly feeling guilty that I am not giving enough.  It had been on my mind since I read it and it helped me make a change yesterday.  Let me share.

The boys were in the breezeway playing very quietly while I was in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher and straightening up a bit.  Nobody was calling for me, screaming, crying or hanging on my leg.

Yesterday's "Guilty Heart" post came to mind.  I stopped what I was doing, walked into the breezeway,  sat down with a fun toy and called the boys over to play with Mommy.   They couldn't get to me fast enough. It was so cute. I was feeling great about it.

We were having a blast drawing pictures of houses, flowers, balloons and dogs on the very cool water works drawing board .  I actually play with that thing by myself sometimes.  It's really fun.

Less than 60 seconds into it, all hell broke loose. They didn't give a shit about what I was drawing. They both wanted that darn pen.  I was a little annoyed too cause I was actually enjoying myself sitting on Little Man's comfy Pottery Barn chair and coloring.  Little Man was pushing Baby, Baby was screaming and I was trying to rationalize with them which I really have to stop trying to do.  I am pretty sure it just pisses them off more.  What have I done?!  I just interrupted two happy quiet kids and created monsters.

Little Man ended up in time out so did the did the water works board. Boooooo. Baby is too much of a baby to get time outs.  But trust me, they will be introduced in the very near future.  Both kids were mad at themselves, each other, me and and the world at this point. FULL BLOWN tantrums.  The 'play with your kids more' plan backfired big time.

Lesson learned.  I will wait for those moments when one or both boys are begging for my attention.  No need to disrupt perfectly happy babies.

In all seriousness, I do feel like I could give my boys more attention and I am always feeling guilty about something whether it's the kids, the house, my husband, my family, work or anything else. I have to make every second count.  These are precious moments and they do pass too quickly.  I have to remind myself of this ALL THE TIME!

This does have a successful ending.  While I was writing this post in bed last night, D walked in with Baby who had just woken up very unhappy and wanted Mommy.  I was about to tell D to just take care of him because I was clearly in the middle of something.  I stopped mid sentence.  This was a precious moment.  This is what matters.  NOTHING should be more important than my little Baby who wants his Mommy.  We fell asleep together and it was so worth it.

Thanks for sharing, Beth!


Beth @ Through the Eyes of the Mrs. said...

This is a great post. I too have interrupted happy playtime and in turn got chaos. Then I feel bad because obviously it was me that created the mess, ha ha. I'm so glad that you wrote this. I love getting to know my new friends. I will be posting this on facebook for all to see :)

The Mommy said...

Thanks, Beth! I love that you are sharing on Facebook. Talk soon!

Clueless_Mama said...

I loved this post. Everything you said is so true. I beat myself up all the time because I feel like I need to be more present. They grow up so fast. Thanks for the beautiful reminder. Glad you enjoyed your sleep w/ little one.

The Mommy said...

So happy you were able to comment Clueless Mama!! I am happy you enjoyed the post and thanks for your sweet response :)

The Gypsy Mom said...

Yep, yep & yep.....THIS is my life!!!! Today I actually made a little picnic for my three munchkins to eat lunch outside. My oldest said we will wait fro you mommy, come eat outside with us. I told him I needed to clean the kitchen and will watch from the window, enjoy! REALLY!!!???!!! I couldn't believe I had just said that to my son! I quickly made a plate of food and ran outside to enjoy this beautiful moment with my kids. It was so nice to just push everything else out of my mind and enjoy the silly conversations my kiddos were engaging in! It is moments like these that I (and hopefully my children) will remember ....

Thanks for your post -it speaks the truth. I'm a new follower, found you on VoiceBoks. Hope you can stop by my blog sometime!